You ever have a thought that just smacks you in the face because it was so obvious, so right there? Well, here is one that gave me a lil slap recently. I thought I was an eager reader, a person who thought of all the books I own, all the books for upcoming book clubs, all the books available at the library, all the possibilities, and I became so excited to just get on to the next book.
While reading something nonfiction, I couldn’t wait to sink into a novel. While reading a novel, I just wanted some short, punchy stories. While reading short stories, I wanted an informational book that would get to the heart of a topic. When reading an informational book, I thought of the pile of Sweet Valley High books I own and need to read. While reading Sweet Valley High books, I thought of how silly they are and convinced myself to read a classic. While reading a classic, I’m thinking about something stabby, something horror. While I’m reading horror, I think about the next Lucy Kincaid FBI novel and how I should just hurry up and finish the series. When I’m reading Lucy Kincaid, I think about all the super awesome volcano books I own (yes, plural) that would blow my mind. While I’m reading a volcano book, I’m thinking about the novels I own and read pre-blogging that would be great to re-read and review on Grab the Lapels…. Are you overwhelmed yet? Welcome to my brain.
Again, just to be clear, I assumed all readers were this passionate about just getting on to the next book.
And then I was reading a 400 page novel purporting to be about zombies/the apocalypse when I realized no, this is a philosophical work of fiction asking me to think about what makes a human being. And I noticed I was skimming. Really, you can’t skim philosophy because you’re not stopping to think about what it’s asking you, even if it is fiction. My brain was effectively saying, “I don’t care because I have more books I desperately want to read.”
Hello, anxiety, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again. HELLO.
That’s when I realized just how much my “eager reader” brain isn’t just excited that so many books exist, it’s getting anxious about how many books exist. Consider this: when I was a professor, I would grade papers. While grading papers, I was thinking about how I should be spending time with my spouse. While spending time with my spouse, I would think about how I should be lesson planning. While lesson planning, I would think about how I should be exercising. While exercising, I would think about how I should be cleaning the house. Etc. Etc. Wow, similar, right?
So, now I am trying to read intentionally, even if that means I have to re-read a sentence, a paragraph, a page. I want to engage with the work, not run my fingertips across the surface of the water, so to speak. Really, I’m not only anxious while reading. External factors can trigger anxiety, which become internalized and pile up. Biscuit calls this “my bucket is full.” Your sanity and patience are a bucket, and when the bucket gets too full, you have to dump some of the crap out. For her, that would often mean taking a day off from work. For me, it’s been positive self-talk, focusing on powering nutrition, being kind to myself, and writing down external positive moments, such as a client at work telling me I did a good job — something like that. Anxiety reading, which, now that I’ve identified it, can be addressed through intentional reading.
What do you think? Are you an anxious reader, too? Have you experienced what I’m describing? If you have, what were you calling your anxiety reading, or how did you understand it as it was happening?
Grab the Lapels 
I’m not a particularly anxious person but I do suffer from from your second scenario in that when I am doing one thing I feel I should be doing another, and it can all pile up into overthinking and make me anxious.
But, mostly when I’m reading it is slow and intentional. I sometimes panic about the piles but I can’t skim books. I can skim informational stuff – sometimes to my detriment – but I think my book reading approach comes from all my literary training at school and university. I know some bloggers speed read and get through a couple of hundred or more books a year but that’s not me. I like to read slowly and think about what I am reading – different sorts of thinking for different sorts of books, but thinking all the same. And, I do have a partner, and a lot of responsibilities/commitments which affect how much reading time, I have. I hope you enjoy your change of reading pace.
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Now I’m wondering how often you feel like you should be doing another thing when you’re engaged in something, because if you get that feeling often, it’s definitely anxiety, Sue! I do know some people who exhibit all the traits of anxiety and yet insist they are not anxious. “Fun” fact: recently, my blood pressure has been creeping up, and the more it creeps, the more anxious I get, which of course makes it creep up. After a visit with a wellness coach, I realized I need to do positive self-talk ALL DAY, and now my BP is coming down again. But that whole month when the BP creeped up, I was positive I did not have anxiety. Oh, lies, brain!
As for changing my reading pace, I am deliberately rereading any sentence or paragraph that I realize I don’t remember, so it’s a lot of going back and starting again, but the practice will build that muscle, I believe.
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I do get it fairly often Melanie … I’m an over thinker … I guess when I said I’m not a particularly anxious person I meant that it doesn’t drive all aspects of my life. For example I’m only occasionally anxious in social situations. It’s mainly when I have to make decisions about doing this or that, and when I make a decision that I feel may be wrong or that I feel will suit one person or thing but not another.
I do do quite a lot of self-talk I admit! BP is not an issue for me. I’m almost always very “normal”!
Good on you re the reading. I look forward to hearing more about it as you continue.
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I was recently in the bathtub reading this paragraph about the main character going to a spa on a beach, and she notes that for breakfast there is only fruit available. She then lists all the fruits (about ten of them). I skimmed it. Then I thought, “No, no, I just told Sue I’m not going to skim,” and I went back and read each of those dang fruits.
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Haha, love it Melanie. You know there could be some meaning to the fruits chosen or to their order, or maybe there’s music/rhythm to the language in which they are shared. Or … is there a reason you think that she named that many? I think part of reading is “hearing” the language, or even feeling the words in your mouth almost, if that makes sense.
I used to love reading in the bathtub.
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I think just showing the variety and abundance of fresh food was the important bit in that moment. If I’m skipping over the fruits, I’m not putting myself in the moment, and being in the moment is key to navigating anxiety. We’re not good with the present.
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Oh, thanks Melanie … I understand both points! I’ll remember that about being in the moment.
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I have ADHD and a milder strain of anxiety. If I can get into a book, falling into hyper focus and being able to stop reading is my challenge. The anxiety only comes into play if I need to have a book read by a certain date and executive dysfunction is getting the better of me.
This is interesting, though. Would it help if you limit your pages per day for a specific book to give yourself a free pass to slow down and enjoy the ride?
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That’s a great question, and I’m not sure. I think being intentional and grounded is what will help. As I mentioned to Sue in a comment on this post, I was in the tub yesterday reading a section about the main character going to a beach spa, and she lists out about ten fruits that were available every day for breakfast. I skimmed them, realized I had skimmed, and then went back and read every fruit. The biggest tool we have with anxiety is being present in the moment. People with anxiety do not live now (which is interesting because people with ADHD only live in the now). We have to force ourselves to be “now” even if that means re-reading a list of fruit.
I hope you feel okay about reading for the horror book club. If having a “deadline” is bothering you, please feel free to stop reading, finish reading the book later, or just come for the vibes.
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I don’t have anxiety, but like many people I go through seasons where I am very stressed and I get anxiety-like symptoms (not anxiety disorder, because it’s always short-term and resolves when the external stressor goes away). On those occasions, reading is generally one of the few things I’m *not* overthinking things!
This is one of the reasons I consciously decided to cut back on blogging – it was interfering with that ability to read as a break from the inside of my own mind, as I was getting stressed thinking about my review while I was still mid-book! Switching intentionally to a “my blog is for me, I read what I want, and I post when I feel like it” approach has allowed me to go back to stress-free reading. (And I’ve actually read more rather than less as a result, I think – I’ve read 14 books so far this year, including at least two novels that are over 500 pages, and two nonfiction history books).
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I love that you made boundaries for yourself when it comes to blogging. When people try to stay on top of content and gaining likes and readers, they start putting out flabby content, and eventually they burn out. Some bloggers try to post every day, and not only is that too much work for them, that’s too much work for me. I’m not reading someone’s blog daily. I love that you pop in and out, and I always appreciate when you comment that it’s the end of the semester or grading is getting touch, just little things to let us know how you are and why you may not be around for a moment.
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I feel a little of this sometimes though not quite as much as what you’re describing. I do often feel guilty when I’m “relaxing” because I should be doing something more productive. Honestly, I think that’s due to how I was raised more than internal anxiety! Though the other day I came across an Instagram reel of a woman describing how she plans out her steps at a store and she concluded that it was anxiety but that seemed really normal to me and exactly the way I think!
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What do you mean by she plans out her steps. The phrase “steps” here is so tied to “get in your steps” that I’m thinking she literally counts how many steps she takes.
Also, I’m curious how you were raised! I think you mentioned your dad was in the military? Is that why you grew up partially in China?
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More like she plans where she’s going to stand, how she’s going to pay at the register, what it will look like when she returns her cart. Thinking ahead several steps so as to be ready for whatever comes next.
My parents were missionaries, that’s what took them to Asia. So I had a very conservative, religious upbringing and I think, for me at least, that came with a lot of pressure and guilt around how I spent my free time. Free time should build you up spiritually. Movies and TV were a waste of time. Reading might be ok but it should be edifying (I was applauded for reading Tolkien but scolded for reading too much LM Montgomery.) Anything where the purpose was only enjoyment was suspicious and probably bad for your soul.
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What you’re describing sounds so close to what I know of the Amish culture in my area. Only certain books are approved because they bolster your Christian spirit and thinking, etc. I do understand what you’re describing. I think because you’re so open minded and laid back, I forget that your upbringing was much different than what I know of you today.
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The Amish are probably a more extreme example of the same thing, but yeah, that’s basically it.
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Awesome! Yes, a lot of anxiety sometimes. I get into this weird cycle of trying to understand something happening around the world by reading books on the subject. I think that’s why I’m a nonfiction guy—head spinning every time.
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I absolutely know what you mean by trying to read to understand the world. I read a lot of fiction, but it tends to be the non-fiction that other bloggers read and review that catches my attention and makes me add that book to the TBR pile. So far, I recently added your book about Abigail Adams and also the new book by CBS journalist Norah O’Donnell. I have several about public schools, too. I think like you, I tend to read more about presidents from the past in order to understand what’s going on now. I don’t trust any current books about the presidency because we don’t have the gift of time to look back. Everything current seems more reactive than researched.
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I agree with you about the last couple of presidents. We’ll have to wait a few more years to see how history unfolds.
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This made me laugh: While reading a classic, I’m thinking about something stabby 🙂
I don’t have anxiety and I don’t get anxious about reading and think I should be reading something else. That said, I sometimes get bored with a book while reading it and want to read something else instead because I am just not in the right frame of mind at that time for that book, that’s why I generally have 4-5 books on the go at once, something for every mood and moment 🙂
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So, not bored like the book is terrible, just bored like it’s not matching your wavelength… 😮
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Yes, exactly!
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I have anxiety and this post resonated. Sometimes I wish I could just read 50 books at once and then not have that little voice in my head worrying about what to read next while I’m only quarter way through my current read. I used to have multiple books on the go, but I stopped doing that a few years back because I would lose track of what was happening in each story, making it really hard to review. So now I’m pretty much monogamous, although I will generally have two books on the go: a hard copy that I can read anywhere and an ebook that I can read at night without having to turn on a light.
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You’re the first person to say she experiences the same thing! It’s so ridiculous because even when you get to the book you were anxious to get to, the same thing happens, and your brain almost ruins the experience.
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I love this post. I identify with your quandary to an extent. I am also a person with anxiety and struggle to remain present. But I don’t know if I’ve ever thought that my eagerness to get on to the next book was a manifestation of anxiety! Because that sort of thing seems to be VERY common in the bookish world, based on Instagram and podcasts, etc. I just thought it was a common bookish person’s experience. I have also thought that the internet and smartphone accelerated this feeling. When I used to read as a teen and young adult, pre-smart phone, I didn’t have a way to compare myself with other readers, or to constantly see what the next “big” book is, what’s coming out soon, etc. I just literally went to the library and picked out a bunch of stuff that looked good. Now I have so much more knowledge of just how many good books there are out there (and a TBR list to prove it.) So how much of this is your anxiety, and how much is the age in which we’re living? (Read more! Read this! Why haven’t you read this yet?!)
One more thing: I am a mood reader, and for that reason I often have a nonfiction and a fiction going at the same time. Sometimes more than one of each. But I really do get that “I’m reading a romance, but man I really want to be reading a mystery” feeling. It makes me wonder if I’m just not that into the book I’m currently reading. Which happens!
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I hadn’t thought of the role social media and the Internet would play in this, but you are right; I used to go to the library and browse, too. I didn’t know there was a new book unless it was in the Scholastic book fair catalog. On the other hand, when I was doing intense therapy for a year, there were loads of ways in which this same thing manifested, all of which I defended as me being organized, prepared, clever, etc. Based on the comments in this post, I’m guessing most readers just read.
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Your excitement about always going onto the next book is very relatable, and I totally feel that way. However, I never labelled it as anxiety in my mind (which I definitely get over some things, FOR SURE) but reading for this blog, or pleasure, or reviewing, is my safe place in my brain. It feels like I’m resetting. sure I have to remind myself to slow down sometimes, but it’s because of excitement. If it ever starts to feel overwhelming, I remind myself it’s healthy to slow down and absorb the words better.
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I love that you are reading more mindfully. I’ve been making myself go back and read any sentence that I skimmed, or if I spaced out for a whole page, I go back and re-read it. My hope is that being more mindful while reading will translate into mindfulness in general. People with chronic generalized anxiety spend most of their time in the past or future (worrying), and very little in the present, which is why mindfulness is the key.
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