Grab the Lapels

How I Got Kicked Out of a Bookstore

Recently, I attended a book club at a book store in my community. We read Monster: A Fan’s Dilemma by Claire Dederer. In it, the author asks how and if we should separate the art from the artist. The book was so poorly written and organized that I did not finish, but one thing stood out to me: the opening example of a celebrity monster was Roman Polanski, who drugged and raped a thirteen-year-old girl. Dederer spends a lot of time on this story.

Later chapters look at other celebrity monsters, as she labels them, include J.K. Rowling. The author says little about Rowling (though she writes extensively about herself). During the book club, I mentioned that I knew people labeled Rowling transphobic because of an article that used the phrase “people with uteruses,” to which Rowling replied, “you mean women?” I stated at book club that I thought it strange that Dederer would compare Polanski and Rowling.

I added that I sort of understand why Rowling might say such a thing. For instance, it took me most of my life to feel okay about being a woman. I don’t mean gender identity. I mean that our culture celebrates and values men and their accomplishments, whereas women are labeled emotional, dramatic, problematic, and non-compliant. They do all the emotional labor. I once asked my cousin what’s great about being a woman, and she replied they have better intuition. I remember thinking that was such a woo woo answer and not good enough.

As I’ve embraced women as community supporters, strong individuals, and people who can make anything happen (and much of this inspiration comes from my blog friends), I’ve been unashamed of being a woman. I wondered if Rowling felt the same way because she’s older than I am and watched the fight for women’s rights.

The book club group discussed how so much of how we speak to each other is new, such as asking someone’s pronouns or respecting their choice for what they call their significant other (partner vs spouse vs husband/wife, for example). I do think we should respect everyone’s choices. If you call Nick my “partner,” I’m going say “husband” or “spouse” because that’s my preference. Another individual at the club said that she thought Rowling had donated money to anti-trans groups, and I said something like, “Oh, well she sucks then.” I have not kept up on whatever it is Rowling has said or done, as I am not invested in Harry Potter, and I don’t keep up on celebrity stories.

Somehow, the book club got onto a discussion about books that seem written to teach a lesson. I said I’m not a fan of those. One book club member asked, “Do you mean like The Hate U Give?” I said yes. The book has a message that it’s really emphasizing, but I also acknowledge that it is for a young adult audience, so perhaps that’s why. I stated that I prefer books that organically make readers think about a wide variety of issues through storytelling with characters, such as An American Marriage by Tayari Jones or If Beale Street Could Talk by James Baldwin. I added that if I’m going to read a book that’s about a particular issue, I prefer nonfiction.

A few days later, I received an email from the book store owner, who had been standing at the counter during our book club meeting. She said she wanted to meet with me at a nearby coffee shop (and not the bookstore?). I replied it would be a while before I came back to the store and to please email me if it was something more urgent. She said she preferred to meet face to face, so of course my anxiety skyrocketed and I said I would be there ASAP.

On a Sunday afternoon, Nick and I parked our car in front of the coffee shop and turned to see the book store owner shoveling snow. She said she’d be over in a minute, so Nick and I got coffee and sat down. As we waited, the book store owner sent me a text asking if it acceptable for Nick to be there, because it was supposed to be a private conversation. Of course it was fine for him to be there, and it felt awkward that she would ask me that. Finally, she arrived to tell me that at the book club meeting, my comments made her feel “agitated” and “uncomfortable” and that I am “disparaging” to minorities and gender non-conforming individuals. Next time I come to book club, I need to keep my thoughts to myself. There was a pause during which I assumed she wanted me to reply or possibly expected me to be angry, but I simply said that I had to think about what she said. I admit I then just stared at her like “you can go now,” and she left.

Perhaps I am being overdramatic, but when someone tells me that when I come to book club I will need to keep my thoughts to myself, I interpret that as “You can still spend money here, but I don’t want you to taint the place.” And she did actually say that she need to protect the aesthetic of the store as a safe place for the Queer community. Of course, I am never going there again. I don’t believe that shutting down conversations makes for a great book store (of all places!). Nor do I appreciate that this owner focused entirely on her feelings without asking me what I was thinking or for clarification about the conversation at book club. The meeting didn’t seem well thought out from my perspective in general because I am very active at the store, attending two book clubs monthly and spending quite a bit of money. I’m even the leader and organizer of the horror book club.

I’ve already made a plan to invite the horror book club to a new location with me, though if anyone wants to continue at the bookstore, they are welcome to call the owner and ask what that will look like going forward. In my email to them, I was transparent about what happened, so they could make their own decisions. What if I am making people agitated and uncomfortable, and that I am disparaging to the minority and gender non-conforming community? I don’t want to live in a vacuum.

I also know that I am on a journey because gender identity was not part of my growing up. I constantly have questions, and of course I read a lot to get perspectives without making other people feel like they have to share their lives with me when they don’t want to. I believe I am both curious about a lot of things but also respectful.

Now, in the days after, I feel emotionally gangly, like I’ve been scolded by the community mom. My thoughts range from empowered to take new action, to feeling sad that I’ve lost a community space and group. I wasn’t even sure if I should write about this situation, but the glaring fact is that someone said I made them “uncomfortable” and reacted by censoring me, I suppose for not sharing their exact opinion, and I know that growth doesn’t happen in a comfortable place or an echo chamber.

Anyway, that’s how I, a devoted reader and former lit professor, got kicked out of a bookstore.

35 comments

  2. I am glad you wrote this up Melanie, because it is all part of this ongoing discussion that we are part of. It sounds to me like you were respectfully asking questions about things that you wanted to understand. This is the very thing that is bothering me right now, the fact that people seem unable to discuss an issue clearly and rationally. I remember brainstorming sessions where the fundamental rule was that no idea was too silly to put forward. That’s a little bit different to what you are talking about here but the fundamental principle I think remains which is that in a discussion – like a book group – all ideas should be open to discussion as long as they are not expressed in ways that insult or harm others. “Harm” is the important thing but of course is a bit hard to define. I don’t think it hurts to feel a bit uncomfortable.

    Do you know whether other members of the book club felt as she did? I just can’t imagine your being disparaging to minorities. I can imagine your asking questions and expressing a point of view, but not being disparaging. (BTW I have many discussions with my friends about gender. Much of this is new to us. We are being open and listening to other points of view – some of us have trans people in our families – but we are also sometimes a bit mystified.)

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    • I think “harm” is a tricky word here. I once had a friend who moved to another state, so we lost touch, but I do know that near the end of our relationship, this person was referring to everyone using they/them pronouns, and I assume that was to be as inclusive as possible. Is it exclusive for me to say “husband” instead of “partner”? I don’t think so, as I do not see the harm in each person choosing how to define their relationships. A trans or nonbinary person may disagree, but now I will never know because I’m not in the book clubs anymore.

      As for the other book club folks, there were four of us total, and all four were engaged in the discussion. I think that it can be tough to decide what to say in the moment because we’re encountering those uncomfortable moments. For example, I recently wrote on Bill’s blog that I disagree that an author should write characters who are like the author, but the moment I read a book about a fat woman written by a thin woman, I’m 100% team Bill, so I have more questions to ask myself there.

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      • Absolutely, which is why I put “harm” in inverted commas/quote marks because it is being used here in discussions about hate speech but how do you define “harm”? And then, how do you measure it?

        I agree with you re “harm” and terminology like “husband”, “spouse”, “partner”. I feel ridiculous saying “partner” about my husband. We got married and we called each other “husband” and “wife”. But sometimes now I think about what to use because “husband” feels loaded. It feels loaded in various ways: I fear it might sound old-fashioned which may make people judge me to be something (closed-minded, for example) I may not be, or I fear it may sound like I’m making a political point about terminology which is not my intention, and so on. However, mostly, I still use “husband” because it’s the accurate term for us and our time. I could use the gender-free “spouse” but I tend not to.

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        • I rather easily switched over to the word spouse, until people on the left were giving me a hard time about it. I admit that I can be stubborn and say husband. I’m not sure I understand why some individuals can tell me their identity and I respect that, but I say my identity and somehow that’s supposed to affect other people. But now I’ll never learn, because I don’t have a book club group to talk to about this stuff.

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  3. That sounded like a good question initially: Can ‘bad’ people write good books? The example usually given is TS Elliot about whom I know very little. But Roman Polanski is a good one, and in fact there seem to be a number of famous paedophiles in the film industry.

    In the leftist Bluesky circles I move in JK Rowling is generally regarded with derision for her position on trans people – basically that there’s no such thing – but I still think the Harry Potter books are great. (My extended family, which seems to be constantly extending, now includes a girl transitioning to a boy. The mother tries hard but right now the pronouns are all over the place!).

    So how do we discuss those things? Carefully, I suppose. If the bookshop owner regards only one side of a contentious issue as acceptable then she shouldn’t be holding book group meetings.

    I’m sorry you ran into the side of woke which gives it a bad name.

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    • In the Deaf community, people are direct in their communication because it’s part of their culture, created out of need in the days before videophones and email, texting, etc. You only saw people who could sign occasionally, so you shared ALL the info, from what happened with your doctor to who you saw and what you’ve been doing, etc. It’s not gossip, it’s survivalist info. Therefore, I have a good sense of exactly who voted for whom in the last election because they sign about it publicly. On the other hand, they also explain why they vote as they do, and often times it arises out of concern, such as a person’s business slowing down due to the economy or concern over Project 2025, etc. If I hadn’t focused on people’s reasons, I would just write them off if I weren’t careful. This is not a comment about politics but more about listening (or looking, in this case) to what other people are thinking.

      The word “woke” is like nails on a chalkboard to me because it’s a word that is so abused and misused that it pretty much means nothing anymore. However, I remember when I was teaching, one article I had students read was about colleges creating safe spaces for students, which could include offering coloring books and animals to pet, and, in some places, permitting students to not read assignments if they felt uncomfortable. I do believe we can create safe spaces (and at the bookstore, I thought I was in one where I could share thoughts and ask questions), but I do not believe in coddling spaces (which is what the bookstore actually is if the owner feels the need to “protect” other patrons from hearing things they don’t like).

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      • I think ‘woke’ is a hold-all for all the things right wingers despise about left-wingers and for that reason I tend to embrace it. What I wanted to say is that your book store owner would seem to be an example of a worrying trend on the left and that is the censorship of opinions they deem to be un-left (or un-woke).

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        • I really hate labels – like “woke”, “identity politics”, “political correctness” – for the reasons you give Melanie. People throw them around with wild abandon, usually to criticise those they don’t agree with. I avoid usual them unless in discussion!

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          • As I mentioned in a comment to Bill, I don’t even feel like the word woke means anything anymore. People just throw it out there whenever they don’t like something from the political left. In most cases, the way that I see it used doesn’t make sense in general, even if I sit down and try to puzzle out what this person is trying to say. I think I saw something recently on Facebook about the local government being behind on leaf pickup, and somebody had commented something to the effect of it being woke government. Like, what??

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        • I do agree that this individual seems to be so far over to the left as to make it impossible to talk to other human beings. I absolutely love that you embrace the word woke because it does seem to be a catch all for things that the right hates.

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  4. I am a big fan of the idea that it is important to seek to understand before one seeks to be understood. If the bookstore owner had asked some clarifying questions, this could have been an opportunity for valuable dialogue rather than loss of a customer, a volunteer, and an advocate. Also, I prefer the term trophy spouse. 🏆

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    • Okay, trophy spouse, thank you for commenting. I do like that quote you included (idea? quote?) about wanting to understand. I just wrote a comment to Bill about trying to understand folks in the Deaf community and why they voted a certain way, because that was a hot topic at the Deaf social events for a while there before the election.

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  5. I’m quite shocked that anyone could find anything you say offensive. I’ve always found your observations so thoughtful, and curious. And the most important word here is curious – you genuinely care about other people and their experiences. You expressing curiosity can only be a good thing, and it’s a shame this bookstore owner didn’t also remain curious about your experience, which is just as valid. Obviously the whole point of a book club is to state your opinions, so I’m not sure how someone, with a straight face, could ask you to just not state your opinions in her store. Sigh. I hope you find another great bookstore to frequent!

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    • I mean, I’m occasionally spicy (remember when I supported you after you claimed your kids are assholes sometimes?), and I can ask hard questions.

      It was absolutely the way the situation went down, as if everything this person felt was a fact. Next, the paternalistic “I have to protect my customers” is very gross. In the Deaf community, they have a famous phrase: nothing about us without us. Hearing people are NOT welcome to make decisions, “protect,” or even take action WITHOUT the Deaf community there to decide and affirm. And then they do it together.

      For now, I’m going to hit up the library instead. I’m a big library supporter, but I was buying books because I feel they are basically a ticket to the book club event, as the store has to pay someone to be there while it’s open.

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  6. JMO- the bookstore owner is uncomfortable/afraid of the very words in which she makes her living. I cannot and will not believe you disparaged minorities in that book club meeting or anywhere else. You may have disparaged JK Rowling but then she deserves it. Just Because she has a platform she gets to invoke her beliefs on millions of minds? It’s no different than celebrity antivaxers. Who are they helping with the fear based opinions fed to their fans? These folks need to stick to their wheelhouse. Bad people sometimes make good art. It amazes me a bookstore owner tried to censor someone. I love your openness to learn cultures & people! You do you Melanie! Just be on the lookout for false prophets. They’re everywhere!

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    • Nick pointed out to me how as we listen to what the bookstore owner had to say, a phrase came to his mind. It’s a phrase beloved in the Deaf community and came about when they were protesting at Gallaudet University because they wanted a Deaf president. The school had never had one before, despite it being the only University in the entire world for Deaf students. The slogan is, “nothing about us without us.” Basically, hearing people shouldn’t be making decisions for and about deaf people because they don’t need to be babysat, they don’t need another mom or dad, they can make their own freaking decisions. I feel like that slogan applies here when I was informed that the store needed to be protected in both image and for the patrons.

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  7. This is so odd. I couldn’t see you being disparaging of any minority or oppressed group. The bookstore owner needs to get a grip, honestly. Keep your thoughts to yourself? How insulting. I’m sorry you had this happen. I wouldn’t step foot in the store again either. What a shame.

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    • What’s ironic is before I had this meeting with her, I had spent 2 and 1/2 hours having a blast with my gender non-conforming friend at a Wendy’s where we ate breakfast biscuits and colored in adult coloring books. I’ve also taught black literature in college. I hope this doesn’t sound like those people who pull out the “I have a black friend card,” but I am literally related to black people and Hispanic people. This lady doesn’t know anything about me. I also think she heard something she didn’t like and then quit listening in general.

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  8. Yikes, I’m so sorry this happened to you. It can be a real sadness to lose access to a community like that and I hope you are able to feel okay/better about it in the days to come. From what you share, it sounds like you were curious and willing to learn (traits I see from you again and again here on-line). I imagine that if the bookstore owner had been willing to discuss with you, that could have been a fruitful conversation but it sounds like she came much more from a place of defensiveness. I think it’s fair for people to say they are hurt or dislike someone’s behaviour and we have to listen to that but in this sort of situation, a dialogue would have been a lot more helpful and you both could have benefitted.

    This reminded me of when an acquaintance got mad at Peter for referring to me as his wife because she thought it sounded possessive and my thought was that it was silly for her to get mad at something that I was happy for him to call me.

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    • When I got married in 2009, the creative writing MFA office assistant was so mad at me for changing my last name. I then explained to her (because I liked her) that Nick has had three last names so far due to trauma, and to be united was a source of strength, happiness, and cohesion that I was happy to give. I think conversations are EXTREMELY important, and to be totally honest, when someone, especially a liberal person, shuts me down and tries to shame me, I really truly become a little more closed-minded to protect myself. I want to change that, but it’s true now.

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      • For me at least part of the irritation with encounters like that is there seems to be the assumption that you haven’t made a thoughtful, informed decision. I also changed my last name when I got married. The concept of a shared family name is personally important to me and I knew we wanted children and I knew I wanted to have the same last name as any future kids. You’re absolutely right – conversation is key and someone shaming you is no way to foster that.

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