This Sunday morning, I was watching CBS Sunday Mornings when I saw a new story about the art installation The Great Elephant Migration. In India, elephants are being driven from their natural habitats by lantana, an invasive plant that the elephants do not eat. Local sculptors cut down the lantana and turn it into lifelike sculptures of elephants. They’re gorgeous, and the profit from the sculptures goes back to elephant conservation.
The Indian artists’ creativity, of taking an invasive problem and turning it into a solution and adding beauty to society, got me thinking more about the ways in which I take problems and turn them into something good that I believe endures beyond the present moment. I guess if we want to be simple, we’re turning lemons into lemonade. And yet, taking something bad and changing it doesn’t have to simply be about tolerating the bad thing. It can be about change and lasting good. Growth. Critical thinking. Opening hearts.
One challenge I’ve had lately is how do I fit into my school cohort. I’ve mentioned there are five students in addition to me, all in their early 20s. As they navigate their undergraduate degrees, I can see situations in which I experienced a similar situation and learned from it. Do I constantly offer advice or let people learn for themselves? It’s tough, because at a small, private school student success can keep that school open or give it cause to shut down programs. Really, the difficult dance of retention and quality results is one all small, private colleges face.
But how does this tie into the lantana elephants? I’ve have been part of seven colleges and universities, either as a student or faculty, and at five of those institutions I can remember a situation in which a student was a victim of violence. The aftermath has ranged from the victim repeatedly telling the story to dying by suicide. Although my current university has a tiny campus, it is not segregated from the larger community, which struggles with poverty, homelessness, and crime. Saturday morning, I woke to several messages from my cohort’s group chat, warning that a student left an academic building and was attacked. Rather quickly, the victim’s name was obtained through the grapevine and shared in the chat.
While some victims may want friends to reach out and offer support, others feel ashamed that they are the focus of attention, struggling with only being known as a victim, aware that everyone is talking about them incessantly, stories changing, growing, speculations, extrapolation from details, etc. Do I instruct my cohort in this situation, recalling those five campuses as which students were victims of violence, or let them do what they feel is right? In this case, I said something. Even though one person texted me a thank you for my valuable lesson about how to respect victims, I’m not sure everyone feels the same. I could be isolating myself.
Now I’m curious: is there ever a wrong time to do the right thing? If we have more experience and can tell our friends, families, and colleagues the “right thing,” do we become wet mops or snowflakes, overly-sensitive or no fun? Basically, any of the negative labels that are associated with awareness. Awareness of the consequences of what we say. I find it baffling that people don’t consider the words and phrases they use as powerful. We sometimes disempower ourselves through word choices, such as when adult women still call each other “girls.” But we can disempower others, too, with words that have negative connotations, especially pitying ones. For instance, I’m grateful I get to learn from the Paralympics. I saw an article in which one athlete said he’s tired of people calling them “participants” instead of “competitors.”
Have you done anything of note to take something negative and not only make the best of it, but spread some goodness and information? How often do you see something/say something, and do you believe it’s worth the risk?
Grab the Lapels 
First of all, lantana like the pretty plants I have in my front yard that butterflies and moths love?
Second, I think you did the right thing by offering your perspective. You weren’t scolding or shaming anyone I am sure. At the very least you give people food for thought and maybe change someone’s mind. It must be challenging being older than the rest of your cohort. I know I would probably feel self conscious about that. But from what you’ve said in the past it seems like you all get along (is it the same group of people you’ve mentioned before?)
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I am self-conscious ALL THE TIME unless I 100% let myself go. There are times when I fit in like “one of the girls,” and then it dawns on me that I’m almost 2x their age, which isn’t huge, but that’s about 18 years of ADULT life that I have lived beyond them. Not childhood, not teen years, not living with my parents, straight-up adult married person who has seen some terrible shit. We do all get along, but it almost hits me like a ton of bricks when I realize I’m an outsider in certain ways. I have to turn off the professor role. I have to turn off the “I already know all about this” thoughts. It’s the same group; you are correct.
I didn’t know we have lantana in the U.S. I only learned about it from reading that Australian book I linked. I’m glad the pollinators love it, but I guess it chokes out what the elephants need to eat.
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I learned today that lantana doesn’t overwinter where there are frosts, so I guess that’s why it’s not invasive here. 🤷🏻♀️
Yes, I would feel similarly in a situation where I was 18 years older than my cohorts! I have an occasional coworker who is 25 and I realized I could be her MOM, lol. I feel the age difference.
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Good questions Melanie. First, on turning bad things to good, I’m not sure I have a great example, but I am a silver linings person so that when things happen to me that I don’t like or that are disappointing I try to find some positive aspect. Sometimes it’s a bit silly and I can have a laugh but other times it can be real even if it wasn’t my preference.
Second, though, when it comes to offering advice, it’s much more complex. If it’s potentially life and death one needs to say something. If it’s quite minor, letting people learn by their mistakes is probably the best option. For all the in-betweens it’s more case-by-case I reckon. If people don’t ask my advice but I think I’ve got something to offer, I’m likely to join the conversation and refer to an experience I’ve had, how I responded, how well or not it worked, and perhaps what lesson I learnt.
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I think my brain melted slightly when I read your comment because it just dawned on me that I cannot think of a recent case in which someone asked my advice. Do we not ask for advice anymore?? I call Biscuit all the time for her variety of expertise. I phoned just the other day to ask about the confidentiality law that says if a person must break confidentiality, they have to inform the person involved. I felt like I couldn’t wrap my head around an example in which I would tell the other person BEFOREHAND, which is what the rule says.
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This is such a tricky thing, and I admit that I don’t have any answers, or advice. I’m learning myself. For how I’ve personally dealt with things like this, it always depends on who I’m talking with. If it’s a group of people I don’t know all that well, I probably won’t suggest a new way of talking, or trying to educate them on how hurtful their words can be (within reason of course, I won’t go along with overt racism, etc.) but if they are people I have had a longer relationship with, I’ll delicately suggest a different way of speaking or thinking about a situation.
As book lovers, we have more empathy than others, that’s a simple fact. I try to remind myself that not everyone has had the privilege of reading a bunch of different perspectives that I have, so many people are simply unaware of things that we have read and learned about through our book reading habit 🙂
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I absolutely forget that a lot of folks don’t read….like, at all, and it makes a difference. You’re right that we have more empathy, especially if we read widely. I still like what my wellness coach said: that by saying something, I am letting people know who I am. I think the only time I would be hesitant to do that would be in a meeting or workplace where the moment isn’t about me, but I could just say, “I don’t agree with the sentiment or wording of that comment.” I’m also aware that life requires a lot of PR now. Since my cohort and I use a group chat, anyone can screen shot that. I always think about pictures of people who look like they’re involved in something but have no clue what is up.
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I like what you said about ‘life requires alot of pr now” LOL so true!!!
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I don’t know what the answer is overall but I think in this specific example, you did the right thing. You had knowledge that could help others – help the victim not be hurt by others’ well-meaning actions, and help your cohort learn how to navigate a hard situation so as not to unintentionally hurt others. A question I am trying to apply to lots of areas of my life (like offering advice to others) is “What result am I hoping for?” If I ever catch myself wanting to give advice because I want to be seen as smarter or more experienced, then I keep my mouth shut! Not saying that’s what you’re doing! I think the severity of the issue matters too and it sounds like this was a heavier lesson to learn than others.
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I think a lot of folks can’t keep quiet because they just hate to be wrong. I know what you mean.
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[…] to think of this person as the same age as me (or close), I appreciate reading about characters who have experience and thus a rolodex of options to new challenges. Certainly, readers will make assumptions about the […]
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