Okiedokie, so last week I wrote about horror and how I think it is the future of fiction, connecting with Bill’s comment about what he thinks the future of fiction is. While I know that most of you are not horror fans, and it would take a lot to convince you that the current horror scene is typically anti-capitalism (The Menu), aware of climate change (Crawl), anti-racism (His House), anti-sexism (The Perfection), and anti-colonialism (Blood Quantum). I admit that while horror movies are moving forward with an agenda of warning viewers, horror fiction keeps looking back at the 1980’s. I suppose we’re all nostalgic for the slasher movies of the day. However, this week I’m not writing about horror as my focus.
To segue, horror is accused of being misogynistic. Men kill, women die. The best we could get for a while was a rape-revenge, a genre I’ll never watch intentionally. But in a lot of horror, women come out the abused yet victorious survivors (hence the trope of the Final Girl). If there is a final girl, doesn’t that also mean that men were killed and punished, too? Yes. Rich people are always punished (thanks, Society, for putting this front and center in an unforgettable way!). If you move out of the 1980’s, though, the gender stereotyping goes down drastically. More often, I’m seeing woman as both the villains AND the Final Girls. In fact, we’re getting some Final Boys, Final Drag Queens, and Final Non-binary folks.
And here is what I want to write about today: I hate romance stories.
So far, I’ve largely focused on film in this post because it’s easier to watch 90 minutes that read a 350-page novel. Therefore, I know more movies that fiction. But it’s all stories.
Just recently, I read Canadian Boyfriend by Jenny Holiday to satisfy a square for a local book bingo challenge. Granted, I enjoyed the book while I read and applauded Holiday for incorporating serious human concerns. However, I keep thinking about that story! Don’t we find part of the romance exciting because it starts with a bit of tragedy? The hockey player’s wife was dead, his tween daughter missed her mom, and she started calling her dad by his first name. Enter a single woman in her twenties to set things right.
It all works out, so I feel happy, but then I start comparing it all the components to my nineteen-year-long relationship. When all is said and done, the Canadian Boyfriend props up problematic ways of talking about relationships: the protagonists both find happiness in work (pro-capitalism — though they don’t worry because he’s rich), giving the girl a dad and mom-figure (gender norms), and both are extremely good looking (ablism and gender norms).
In Game of Hearts by Cathy Yardley, we get a fat female protagonist who works on cars and sews costumes who is belittled because male customers at the auto garage won’t speak to her. The author deftly weaves in a variety of characters, including nonbinary and indigenous people, but we still end with a happily ever after between a highly-talented woman and a former troublemaker male character who puts himself out there with a big demonstration, cementing not only gender norms, but that feeling of fireworks that, when you look around, may not happen to you often!
Here is an example of a time I felt fireworks, an example that Nick and I have shared repeatedly, both between us and with others: one morning, Nick left to go to work on the campus of Notre Dame. We said goodbye to each other. Later that day, I had to go on the campus for some reason when I normally wouldn’t be there. We both turned around the corner of a building at the same time, we saw each other, said we both said something like “Heeeeey!” as if we had not seen each other in weeks, and we hugged. If you think about romance stories, Nick has yet to:
- Chase me to declare his love right before I get on a plane.
- Chase me on a moped to declare his love right before I leave a city.
- Trick me online until I lose my job and fall in love with him via instant messaging.
- Pretend to date me and then really fall in love.
- Declare his love for me at a New Year’s Eve party.
- Demand the workers at the Empire State Building let me check if I’m waiting for him.
- Love me so much that I get prettier and younger.
- Enlist a famous punk musician to help him sing a song he wrote about his love for me.
- Be baptized in a Greek orthodox church.
- Sing “Bennie and the Jets” in a bar with me.
- Beat up a smarmy womanizer in the street while it snows.
- Bring me a box of flours.
- Rent a building so I can open a plant store.
BUT, we did ride horses one time. There was no sunset or kissing, because horses. The point is, nothing that happens at the end of a romance story has likely ever happened to you (or me). One time, Nick got me a plant shaped like a heart that I immediately killed. One time, he held the coffee can while I picked blackberries. One time, he got a humidifier I said I didn’t need for my birthday and returned it. One time he said I am like the crow with the pitcher. Sometimes, the most we can ask for is I accidentally fart in public, and he takes the blame. I prefer the way I love Nick more than anything I’ve seen in a romance book or movie, and yet I always leave the enchanting world of clashing personalities, realizations of love, and dramatic announcements feeling like I’m missing out. I don’t need that nonsense in my life, so in general, I do not watch or read romance stories. What do you think? Am I being overdramatic?
Grab the Lapels 
Good question. No I don’t think you are. I always think of a friend of mine (we drifted apart a few decades ago) who I have always believed was damaged by ideas of romance. From films, books, tv? I don’t know but I do know that her expectations of men seemed highly unrealistic. There was this lovely man interested in her and the only criticism I got from her about him was that he wasn’t romantic. She didn’t complain that he was unkind or insincere or any of those things that I think are important. She was so unhappy. We drifted apart because every time we met is was the same unhappiness and she was stuck. By this time I had kids and life got too busy …
BTW “I hate romance stories” … I don’t read romance either. There’s got to be more.
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Something I find quite funny is that horror fans are often the sweetest, kindest, most giving people I’ve ever met. On the other hand, I’ve noticed that many characters in romance novels are often selfish, self-centered, sadistic weirdos. And so then I wonder what kind of people are attracted to romance novels in the first place? It seems like people who are interested in romance may be the kind of folks who have a partner, but their partner isn’t romantic, so they’re seeking out that romantic feeling elsewhere. It seems like what they’re reading, though, will never be what they get in real life for all the reasons that I listed in my post, including the ways in which Nick has not been romantic.
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Ooh these are big generalisations Melanie! But I agree that some readers of romance might be missing that in their lives. But, I think there are readers of all genres who read to escape. Romance readers may know very well that this is not normal life and may love their kind reliable partners but they love to enjoy the big unrealistic romance when they read? I’m not a romance reader per se, but I can enjoy a good novel that has romance in it.
BTW if you read Pride and prejudice you will see that Austen writes briefly about the “after” and it’s not all plain sailing. You see that there are challenges and compromises being made. Darcy does not change overnight, for example. He is generous and responsible but there are limits to how much he bends. Most readers though forget these little after paragraphs and just go for the romance.
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This is AWFUL (so I’ve been told by a fellow feminist) that I consider Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier a romance. Part of it is I combine the best of the Hitchcock movie and the novel in my head. But it was interesting to read that the novel opens with they couple absolutely miserable because Maxim has a sort of paranoid PTSD for all that happened with Rebecca. That makes me think of what you said about the end of P&P.
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Ha ha Melanie… but it is interesting how much film can influence our thinking and responses, isn’t it.
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I read romance occasionally, when I need something easy and sweet that’s not too taxing, and I enjoy it but don’t remember it for long, kind of like watching a half-hour tv comedy. If I read too many in a row I do notice that I start feeling a little irritable, like why isn’t my life as perfect as those I’ve been reading about?
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I’m so relieved to hear that somebody starts getting the same feeling that I do. From everything that I’ve read on your blog, you have a rather lovely family, so there’s no reason to feel like you’re missing out on something. However, these books really do emphasize that feeling of missing out! I remember watching the movie Speed back in the ’90s, and it ends with Sandra Bullock’s character saying that they can’t base their relationship on what happened on that bus, because relationships that begin when things aren’t normal, when somebody save somebody else, don’t statistically last. And then they agree to base their relationship on sex.
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I enjoy romances – light romances like Georgette Heyer and literary romances like Jane Austen or Sally Rooney. And when I’m reading something that is not a romance I still like the heroine to end up with the guy (or gal). When I was at school I believed there was just one woman who was right for me in the whole world, and I wondered how I’d meet her (luckily, there was more than one and generally they were just around the next corner).
I like giving flowers, so at least I get on the list in that one respect. I’ve never been to a New Years party or to the Empire State Building (but despite not being a Tom Hanks fan, I enjoyed the movie).
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What!? Bill, you are the last person I thought would be a romantic. That’s so interesting that you’re the kind of person who gives flowers. I’m actually the kind of person who does not like to receive flowers. It feels rather devastating when they start to dry up and tip over and die. For many years, Nick used to give me a cactus instead. I think it was last summer that I got a mealybug infestation, so many of them had to go. I’ve got a couple left still. I wonder what made you think that there was only one person out there for you. I don’t know that I’ve ever had that notion, though. I do feel extraordinarily lucky to have found Nick. He’s a unique fella.
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The best romance story I have seen in the last 20 years is the one where the garbage truck falls in love with an iPod. As for grand romantic gestures, I doubt I will ever own a moped, but I could see a situation in the distant future where one of us chases the other down on one of those mobility scooters that has had its speed limiter mysteriously adjusted to make it street legal. Having made several questionable traffic maneuvers, I would catch up to you at a stoplight in time to hand you your phone, say “You forgot this. See you soon!”, whip a U-ee, and head home to continue watching the YouTube video about how to make your scooter faster and why you probably shouldn’t for safety reasons.
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FFS. 🤣 Why are you so obsessed with giving me my cell phone when I don’t have it? That pretty much means I don’t need it! I love you dearly. Also, what is this story about the garbage truck and the iPod? Have I seen it? Have I read it? What is it!??
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Well, as someone who does read romance as a genre (but only in the last few years), all I can offer is this. It’s fine that you don’t enjoy romance. I don’t enjoy epic fantasy or mythology stories – (caveat: at this time. Once upon a time I thought romance wasn’t a genre for me. Who knows what future me will want to read?)
I don’t think I’m looking for something out of romance novels other than 1) a light read that doesn’t tax my brain too much; 2) something fun that I know will end happily; 3) pure escapism. I know it’s not reality. But that’s the appeal! Maybe it’s like epic fantasy for some people – something to sink into when the real world sucks too much and you need a little comfort. But I don’t see it as something that makes me feel bad about my life.
Granted, there are a LOT of mediocre romance novels out there. Thrillers too, and I also read those for a bit of quick, easy reading escapism.
As my 13 year old says sometimes, it’s not that deep, LOL. Maybe it’s like cilantro – tastes like soap to some people and tastes like heaven to others.
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I get that. What I remember about married women and the 50 Shades books makes me think that there are a lot of unfulfilled people out there. They even made that book club movie in which the four friends read 50 Shades because their lives were so unfulfilling. I suppose my point is that I’m not really looking for reality or fantasy, but that the impression romance leaves is that I am lacking. For the same reason, I don’t encourage my nieces to watch Disney princess movies. Instead, I’ll point them toward Wreck-It-Ralph or My Neighbor Totoro, stuff about friendship. Even as a little kid stories about romance sucked me in so hard and also made me miserable.
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So romance is like horror for me, not something I seek out, but I sometimes read and enjoy one. I love Jane Austen but I don’t know if she is considered romance or not. I read all of the Outlander books as they came out until book number 7 or so and then I just got too tired of it all to care. But I enjoyed them. The story has to have a bit more going for it than finding love for me to enjoy it. Also, I enjoy a good rom-com. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan movies were a can’t be missed thing.
As for relationships, everyone is different. James is a huge romantic and has done things like taped roses all over my car and surprised me on my birthday with ballroom dancing lessons that we kept up for ten years. We met with a “turn to a person near you and share your fantasy happy place” during a self-improvement seminar we each went to because of a friend. To our utter surprise, the fantasy happy place we had each built was a tree house. The rest is history. 🙂
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Love this Stefanie.
And yes, I agree that Jane Austen isn’t romance per se, but that’s how people see her, largely because of the films I think. She might be the mother of romance in some ways but she’s not a Romance writer. As I wrote to Melanie above P&P ends with some “after” discussion which implies that Darcy doesn’t change a lot, that Elizabeth does quite a bit of negotiating. She is probably perfect, tgough!!!
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Like women everywhere throughout time, we are the ones who have to change and then manage the men 😀
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I was going to say that I think a lot of the romantic feelings from P&P stem from the movies, be it Colin Firth stepping out of that pond or Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen staring longingly at each other in the rain).
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OMG, I have so many NEW warm and SQUISHY feelings about James. 😍😍😍
I’m actually reading another procedural novel in which the main couple divorce because he’s more like James and she’s more efficient, even in her feelings. I can see you and James living in a tree house, but one of those fancier tiny-house tree houses in retirement. And you DANCED! For 10 YEARS! Can we not get more of this stuff on your blog?? You are too interesting, Stefanie 😀
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You’re so sweet Melanie ❤
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I also struggle with romance and would say it’s the one genre I actively avoid. There are a lot of reasons for this, but I think I especially struggle with the predictability of romance tropes. I just don’t find people’s romances that interesting! On the flipside, I think a really good romantic relationship is incredibly hard to write well, so I guess the fact that most romances fall flat for me makes sense.
Horror… I agree with you that there’s too much harking back to the 1980s, but I think there’s some really exciting feminist literary stuff coming out now that does this less.
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The best romance that I’ve read comes from Daphne du Maurier because it’s so complicated for realistic reasons. Whether it’s Frenchman’s Creek and the conversation about his happiness versus her love for her children, or Rebecca (I KNOW, I KNOW) and whether Maxim snapping at his bride is okay, I still love these novels and feel like I understand them. They do still provide escapism, like some folks want. I do not know any real pirates or wealthy estate owners, so the setting and activities are different, but the people are real.
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I love Rebecca! I guess I just don’t consider it to be romance, though.
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That’s why I wrote “I KNOW, I KNOW” — because zero normal humans consider it romance. 😂
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This is such a lovely post. What a good portrayal of what true life romance looks like. When I think of the ways Peter has demonstrated love for me over almost 2 decades it includes things like sleeping in an uncomfortable hospital chair for a week, bringing me coffee every morning, and calling me silly nicknames. Romance is far more individual and weird and delightful than most novels can portray.
I don’t think I’ll be running out to consume more horror but I am intrigued by this idea that it’s anti-capitalism. And I’m glad to hear it’s becoming less misogynistic because that’s definitely something I’ve hated to watch in older horror films.
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Sometimes love is just someone confirming that mole on your back doesn’t look cancerous, you know?
Peter sounds lovely. I often wish I could teleport all my blog friends and their families to me so we could meet. The times that I have met online friends in person after talking on the internet for years have been interesting (if we’ve never video chatted). Typically, they sound and look nothing like I expected! For the video chatting friends, sometimes their bodies look different because I’ve only seen their shoulders up. It’s all fun and surprising.
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That’s what movies/media often miss…some of the best love is the simple, daily moments of just having your person. Having someone who is always on your side.
I don’t know if you’ve seen Anne’s post yet but she and I met in real life! She came into my store and I couldn’t figure out why she looked so familiar. She was a little shorter than I’d pictured but very much what I would have imagined, I think. It was really delightful to meet an internet friend in the real world!
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I just went directly to her site and see that there is a post from 8/22, but I still don’t have notification about it being posted yet! I’ll have to contact her and let her know. You mean that you didn’t know she was coming?
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Claiming your partner’s farts as your own? now that’s true love.
I can’t say much of what happens in romance has happened with me and Aaron either, but I do enjoy reading romance (occasionally, not that often) because I enjoy the fantasy of it. It also reminds me of those exciting ‘beginning of the relationship’ feelings that you have with someone, which for me, can sometimes be hard to remember, as we’ve been together for almost 20 years now.
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I actually remember the beginning of relationship romance because — and I didn’t know this until the past year — people with ADHD, like Nick, get obsessive around new partners, making them feel like the sun, moon, and stars. Once they’ve been together a while, it’s normal for the non-ADHD partner to start feeling neglected because that obsessive exuberance goes away because you’re not “new” anymore. This is part of why Nick and I have been reading ADHD books together, challenging ourselves, trying to say “yes” more, etc.
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Hmmm this is good advice!
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