When I was in an undergrad (the first time), my university was in my hometown. My hometown had a river that college students loved to tube during the summer. For the uninitiated, tubing involves a plastic flotation tube that you blow up to float down the river. You need two cars, one to park at the end of the tubing trip, and then you pile into the other car and drive to the start. What a way to have lazy adventures. One time, my tube ruptured — perhaps from a stick — and I ended up piling in a tube with someone else while Nick walked down the river the remainder of the trip.
Tubing was fun because it was always with the best people, you could do it sporadically (assuming you raced to the local sporting goods store in April and bought a tube for the summer before they sold out), and there were no smartphones, so no one was worried about taking pictures or answering a pesky vibrating/ringing thing. Just to be clear, most people are getting wasted on this trip and eating snackies. But best of all, while you’re tubing, if something worrisome happened, you couldn’t do a thing about it at the time. You had to wait until the float was over. In fact, you mostly didn’t know about worrisome things happening.
Nick and I have tried to recreate tubing now they’re we’re about forty and live in a different state. It didn’t work. The people were wrong, the river was wrong, I have a dermatologist who wants me out of the sun now, and climate change has made the sun insufferably scalding in a way it wasn’t twenty years ago. I do wish I had pictures of my tubing trips circa 2005, but you can’t go back, and you can’t recreate it.
However, that feeling of being in a place in which worrying serves me not at all is one I am trying to recreate. For example, when I talk to friends and family after they get off work, which is 8+ hours, 5 days per week, I feel guilty if I express being tired, lonely, grumpy, or even enjoying myself. My summer life is full of things to do, all of them self-paced. Even my online New Testament class isn’t demanding; the last two weeks’ assignments have been coloring pictures to represent distinctives among the gospels. I took my day slowly, why can’t my friends and family? Their jobs support my slow-paced life, and is that fair?
This week, I harvested (picked is probably a better word, but harvested sounds more farm-y) a gallon of blackberries. Each day I would go out and fought for my life against thorns and spiders and mosquitoes, coming back from my yard with injuries and a coffee can with a cup or two of fruit. I would submerge the berries in water to scare out all the buggy bugs and then flash freeze them to be added to a large freezer bag. Part of me wonders if everything will change once I become an interpreter, but given where I live, chances of me being hired as a staff interpreter are almost zero compared to being a freelance interpreter. Freelance means I set my own hours, and I can choose if I want to do things more slowly. Nick and I are not financially struggling, and we have access to people who would loan money to us if we were.
What I’m beginning to embrace is knowing that my going slowly and building a life that I want is not unfair to the people around me. Instead, I welcome them into that life, which, in a way, creates the world they live in, too. People like me, so when I am my best self, they feel happier. Why is it so hard to say that? “People like me.” There, I said it. Have you said it? Can you say it out loud? Try it: “People like me.” If no one liked you, your blog would probably be an unvisited e-desert, so I’m certain people like you. If you don’t have a blog, I don’t know who you are, so you’ll have to judge for yourself, but I figure you must have good tastes in humans if you’re here.
Knowing that people like me for the life that I make and welcome them into means saying “no” to other things. I’ve been reassessing my fall plans and decided to cut out some elements in which I do not wish to engage. I know that’s rather vague, but there is a “no” behind my sentiment, and also a defiance of sorts. Because the world I’m trying to craft is negatively affected when someone just tells me what to do, I may find myself running into challenges. Everyone wants us to go along with things, right? Be obedient? Not insubordinate? But how much does the life you want to make for yourself grow from doing what you’re told by someone who has just enough authority in his/her/their voice that you don’t question it?
I’m fully aware that some people I know have said “no” and been negatively affected. They’ve lost jobs, friends, family connections, been looked at as weird, even become financially poorer. That is the risk. Sometimes, in this little life I’m building that includes picking berries and reading books, practicing interpreting and thinking about how to be more welcoming, I forgot that I’ve also faced negative consequences for saying “no.” I was not reappointed to teach in the prison system. I was not welcomed back at a community to college as a professor. I’ve had family members quit speaking to me. I’ve irreparably fractured friendships. I left a job that I built from the ground up. I’ve refused to offer my knowledge for free.
Today, I attended a three-hour ethics workshop, and something a participant mentioned was that saying “yes” and saying “no” both have ripples. Saying “no” can have ripples that lead forward into the future, making things better not only for ourselves, but for the people who come after the precedent we have set. Saying “yes” may create fewer ripples in the moment, but how long do we feel that we are drowning before we acknowledge to ourselves that we can’t touch the bottom? I’m going to keep building this little life and see where it takes me, even if I do it in a slow, lazy way, like tubing down the river.
Grab the Lapels 
Lovely affirming but also thoughtful post Melanie to which I don’t have much to say except “you go, girl”.
Actually, I have one more thing to say, which is that my daughter is currently not working. She was burnt out by her last job so took leave and then got a redundancy which she asked for. She’s really enjoyed a slower life, learning how to live with a partner (something new for her), reading, caring for their rescue dog, etc. Now though she needs to think about work. Once upon a time she was ambitious – her last job was heading her to high-powered corporate jobs (in work that’s about something useful, education, not just power and money). But now she is feeling anxious about getting caught up in all the stresses again and is re-evaluating what she wants. I’m not sure where she’s at right now but we’ll see her in two weeks. All this is to say I get what you are saying. Life is about finding the life you want and can afford and that can sustain whatever your needs are into the future. When you are a couple that can be easier I think as two can juggle things better than one.
Another lovely honest post … and, love the tubing metaphor!
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I’m starting to really understand what people are fighting for when they say they want a 32-hour work week. If people are more focused and not just filling in the time to get in the 40 hours, we could spend the remainder of that time meaningfully, or restfully. I know there is loud opposition to the 32-hour work week in America. People can’t fathom how you would just want to be lazy and get paid the same, is how the story goes, but what some workers, probably those whose line of work is NON-STOP, underestimate just how much a lot of workers are coasting throughout their days. I’m thinking of people in factories on an assembly line, something like that.
The really funny thing about the tubing metaphor is the next day a VERY good friend asked if we wanted to go tubing when we visit next both, and boy do we ever!
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I have always understood wanting to work less hours! Haha! But that’s because while I enjoyed my work and profession, I also loved doing lots of other things which included volunteering at my kids school, taking my kids to after school activities, spending time with my ma-in-law and parents, etc. in Australia the idea of work-life blanks is well understood, which is not to say everyone or even most people achieve it, just that it is valued as a goal.
Also I reckon we part-timers, as I was much of my career, can be more productive. We take (took, for me, as I’m retired) fewer breaks and really knuckle down for the time we are at work.
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Yes, when we work less, we’re not just sitting around, which I think is what the average American is picturing. I love the idea of volunteering, especially at schools and with senior citizens.
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I reckon people who picture that lack both imagination and a curiosity about life! When I retired I had no specific plan expect that I thought I would volunteer BUT what I did know is that I have so many interests and social connections that I would not become miserable or depressed. Because I know that, I was happy to have no specific plans because it was nice to give myself a little slow time. I was still working part-time at the end – but it was 30 hours in 4 days, and my fifth day was spent taking my ma-in-law and parents to lunch so it was lovely but not a free day, if you know what I mean. That day remained, but the other four became MINE, MINE, ALL MINE!
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🤣 Sue
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This was a great post, Melanie. You sound content with your choices and the general direction of your life. I wish most people didn’t have to work so hard and long hours and we could all slow down more. That doesn’t seem to be the way most things are headed in this country, though. But there is a vocal undercurrent of people who are embracing the slower life and showing the rest of us different ways to be. Thanks for sharing this.
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I find it interesting that I’ve never heard of anyone describe their work week without throwing in a story or several about screwing around. My dad saw it in a factory, my mom saw it in every office job. Whether it’s actual pranks, standing around talking, or the people who sit in their office and do personal tasks, there is a lot of fluff in the American work week. I think my dad works so hard at his current job because he is the boss, lol. A fairly unforgiving taskmaster, I would call him in the years past!
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I’m hooting and hollering and dancing and cheering for you Melanie! I loved this post in so many ways. Thank you for sharing it!
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I had to go back and re-read what I wrote. My first thought was, “Oh, lawdy, what did I write?” I’m behind on commenting, so it’s my bad for forgetting!
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Tubing as you did it sounds fun. I tried it behind a speed boat and was terrified. Perhaps the closest I got to your experience was camping on the Murray River (above Albury) during uni and spending the afternoons swimming, floating down river round the bends, and walking back.
Go as slow as you like! I am not a go slow person, but I have structured my life around not being answerable to other people.
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Behind a boat seems not relaxing in the least. This is definitely a lazy float.
I know that you are always on the move with your truck, but I’ve always thought of you as a slow-going person simply because you don’t answer to other people (well, sometimes you do; you help your family a lot). I guess I should know better, though; for years, my dad was EXTREMELY busy, and he was his own boss. All I could think was, “Dad, you can tell yourself no.” But he really felt he could not. Owning your own business means working much harder just to break even. Now that my brother has left the business and my dad is starting to sell his stuff, he’s slowed way down.
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I agree with Bill, go as slow as you like! Working part time or freelance isn’t really an option for me as I’m obviously on a single income, but I am happy to say no to things that would mean I ended up working more than my contracted hours. All of my colleagues work mad hours because they keep saying yes to more and more things, and they can’t understand why I take on fewer responsibilities and work strictly 8-4 Monday-Friday (most weeks, although sometimes it has to be more). But I am happy to accept slower promotion if it means I get to read and hang out with my friends and go walking or swimming.
Apart from anything else, I think it’s setting a good example for my students – I tell them this is my favourite job I’ve ever had, which is true, but I also tell them that part of what allows me to love it as much as I do is the fact that I only do it forty hours a week!
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I remember you mentioning in another comment a couple of years ago (if I’m remembering correctly) that you refused a promotion because it would just be more work and not enough compensation to give you happiness. Basically, you would be working when you wanted to do something that would be in line with self-care. I wish I had been more like you when I was teaching. I had zero concept of 8-4 when I was teaching. It was all day, every day, all the time. If I had taken better care of myself and had boundaries, chances are I would still be a professor.
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Ohhh that saying no and yes thing with ripples – so true!!! As Oprah would say, that is a tweetable moment. I am totally that person who says yes to avoid current ripples, but always face those ripples further down the line. I am getting better though. Slowly.
I also love this idea of saying out loud “People like me”. Yes! We should say this out loud every day. I love it.
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Did you truly say it out loud? I hope so! I definitely like you. Now I’m wondering if at any point during your week you were able to say no when you would typically say yes.
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I definitely said it out when I read your post! I like you too!
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WOOO! I’m so glad 🙂
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This was really lovely to read and ponder over. I am not a person who naturally wants to fill my time with lots of things and be busy but I find I have to battle a lot of guilt and wonder if I’m just kind of lazy. Plus our society doesn’t lean to that kind of lifestyle. And then add in the parental, Am I giving my kids enough experiences/opportunities guilt.
And, oof, making me say that people like me??? My default for a long time was that people probably don’t like me or want to spend time with me. It’s something I still have to remind myself is likely untrue and not supported by the facts of my life!
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I like you very much. I hope you said it out loud at some point this week: “People like me.”
Recently, we had dinner with some folks who have a toddler (maybe 2?), and it felt (from my outside perspective) like one parent was constantly two feet behind the toddler. I kept wondering, can’t the toddler just do his own thing for a hot minute? My example, though, is my brother, who used to tell his toddlers, “Go put yourself to bed,” and they would. Or they had tiny backpacks they had to wear with their diapers and a change of clothes in them, because “If you’re going to shit yourself, you need to be ready.” I know that sounds crass, but it was also interesting to watch a toddler feel a sense of responsibility for herself and not have someone constantly fixing everything.
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Thank you! I like you too! And I think in my 30s I am better surrounded by people who affirm our friendships. It’s funny the ways our brains lie to us though.
I’d say one of the constant struggles of parenting is figuring out when to allow/encourage independence and when to step in. Just yesterday Pearl asked me for help with something that I’m sure she could have figured out on her own. I ended up helping her because we were with a group of people and I didn’t want her to have to struggle in front of a crowd but also because I know the times she asks me to help her are growing fewer and fewer. 2 seems pretty young for that kind of independence but a lot of 2 year olds also want to be in charge, so giving them their own pack of supplies could be fun for them. My guess in following a 2 year old around like your friends were would be that they were primarily trying to prevent injury in an unfamiliar space. Kids that age can get hurt or put something in their mouths so fast! Or they were trying to make sure the kid didn’t damage someone else’s property! I tended to be more on my kids out of the home than at home when they were that age.
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Oh! We were actually at the other family’s house, so totally familiar space. Then again, as I said, I write as someone without kids.
You’re right about the toddlers wanting to be independent, even before they can vocalize it. Having their own little backpacks seemed to make them feel like “big girls,” which is what ever kid seems to what SO MUCH.
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Some parents are just like that. I think I probably was until I had a second kid and it just wasn’t feasible. And then I realized that my 2-year-old actually could do a lot more than I was allowing her to and she was happy to have those little independences.
My girls still love to pack their own backpacks for trips and adventures and while I still have to make sure they are packing correctly, letting them do that makes it easier for all of us.
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I love that for your girls. They do seem incredibly strong and resilient and yet like children, which is a great balance.
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Thank you, it’s a tricky one to strike as a parent. We’ve been experimenting with giving them some greater independence this summer and it has not been without its disasters!
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Oh, boy, now I’m curious about what happened.
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Nothing too major…just them not following through with clear directions. Peter built a new fence in our yard so we tried a day where I was at work and he was home but they were largely unsupervised. They did great in a lot of aspects but didn’t do the clean-up tasks they were left with. Part of it, we realized, was that they don’t have a great sense of timing yet. So they knew they needed to do jobs but didn’t know they were running out of time. We tried again a different day for a shorter amount of time and I set them some timers and that worked much better.
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I remember cleaning my room and getting lost in things I found that I wanted to remember (usually a Sweet Valley book or a photo album or yearbook). Then, next thing you know, cleaning the room becomes a whole weekend thing.
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[…] tubing and actually had fun! You can go back, just a […]
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