Grab the Lapels

#20BooksofSummer OR an experiment to prove therapy is working

Hi, there. I haven’t done 20 Books of Summer by Cathy @ 746 Books since 2017. One summer I nearly broke my brain trying to finish, counting out pages and creating book marks to get through a certain amount of reading each day so I could finish by the end. I hadn’t realized what this competitive nature was doing for my anxiety, and the answer was no bueno.

I only participated for two summers, and after that I kept asking other bloggers, “Why would you do this to yourself?!” I hadn’t realized that sometimes we just like making lists, or, you know, having fun. My anxiety couldn’t understand, and after learning that one of the worst aspects of my general anxiety disorder was steeped in perfectionism — which I didn’t even acknowledge was a problem in my life — I thought, holy crap, I think I need to revisit Cathy’s challenge and, like, be kind to myself. Is it possible? After nine months of therapy, I think it is.

Cathy’s challenge is simple: read 20, or, 15, or 10, or, you know, whatever, between Thursday 1 June and finishing on Friday 1 September. How did I take this challenge so seriously that it hurt me mentally?? I’m so glad I’m not that same person. Here is the craziness I wrote about the challenge in 2017. Here’s more anxiety on display in 2016. Yeesh. Here’s me in 2023: I’d like to get to some books, and I have two book clubs, so let’s see what happens. If you hear me getting frantic about the challenge, please call me out on it. I need support; basically, I’m trying this to test my challenge line in perfection.

The list with some explanations

#1. Rants from the Hill: On Packrats, Bobcats, Wildfires, Curmudgeons, a Drunken Mary Kay Lady, and Other Encounters with the Wild in the High Desert by Michael P. Branch — I bought this one at a book sale in Alabama during my May vacation and finished it June 2nd. It was excellent, a book I chose to keep and will read again. I also want to find more of his work.

Looks like this is the cover to the audiobook. I just have the paperback.

#2. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. I read this one with Biscuit, Lou @ Lou Lou Reads, and my husband, Nick. Not what I thought it would be. It’s silly and serious and you laugh in all the wrong places. Finished June 10.

#3 Ecology of a Cracker Childhood by Janisse Ray is a book I found in Goodwill and picked up because the title is interesting. I should finish this one soon.

#4 Ultimate Questions: Thinking about Philosophy, 3rd edition, by Nils Ch. Rauhut is a slim text required for my upcoming philosophy course. Contents include free will, personal identity, the mind/body problem, and if God exists.

#5 The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis. This is another book we’re reading for summer class.

#6 Getting Involved with God: Rediscovering the Old Testament by Ellen F. Davis, another summer textbook.

#7 Questions to All Your Answers: The Journey from Folk Religion to Examined Faith by Roger E. Olson. This is another book for summer school. All of these books are nonfiction that I can find in the public library as opposed to textbooks, so I’m hoping they’re highly readable.

#8 What Crazy Looks Like on an Ordinary Day by Pearl Cleage is a book I found at Goodwill and am reading with Biscuit.

#9 The Private Life of Mrs. Sharma by Ratika Kapur I found at a used bookstore, and the plot does not sound like a typical Indian novel, so I’m hoping it explores more facets of Indian life than the rebellious, slightly fat, daughter being married off by her domineering father and brother. I’m reading this one with Biscuit.

#10 Man, Fuck This House by Brian Asman, a book I’m reading with Nick that I found in a used book store and couldn’t resist.

#11 Severance by Ling Ma, a novel I’m reading with Biscuit about office culture and the end of the world.

#12 Pontypool Changes Everything by Tony Burgess. This novel became a radio play and then became a movie, which I’ve seen and loved, so I convinced my Huntsville Horror book club to read it with me, despite it being nothing like the movie I love. Did you follow all of that?

#13 Whisper by Yu-ko Chang, translated by Roddy Flagg, is a Taiwanese horror story I’m reading with the Huntsville Horror book club.

#14 A Fig for All the Devils by C.S. Fritz is a black-comedy horror about meeting Death that I am also reading with the Huntsville Horror group.

#15 The Last of Her: A Forensic Memoir by Kim Dana Kupperman. The synopsis says, “The excavation of an opaque past is the forensic aspect of this memoir, which attempts to answer such questions by uncovering the truth about one woman, Dolores Buxton, for whom the construction of artifice was so quotidian and whose lies became such a trap that, rather than tell the truth, she committed suicide.” I’m reading this one with Biscuit.

#16 Health at Every Size by Lindo Bacon, revised and updated, which I started a couple of days ago while exercising. The 2nd or 3rd chapter is about brain chemistry, which is helping me remember stuff for my psychology class.

#17 Made in the U.S.A. by Billie Letts. I just can’t say no to a Letts novel; they’re fantastic.

#18 Volcano by Time Life Books, which is full of information (dated before 1982, I admit) about these big beasts.

#19 Fingerwording: The Art & Structure of Fingerspelling Words by Molly O’Hara is a about thinking differently about fingerspelling in ASL.

#20 Emerging Wings: Becoming Myself: A Bridge between the Hearing and Deaf Communities by Melissa Lewis is a short work that I am interested in. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a book with two subtitles before!

Okay, that’s twenty books. Interestingly, only 6 out of 20 are ones that I am reading by myself. The others are for book clubs or school, so it all seems doable — basically, what I might read anyway. Wow! I hadn’t realized just how much my book clubs keep me going when it comes to finishing novels. Okie dokie, here I go.

55 comments

  1. This looks very sensible – a fair few books you would be reading anyway and are reading with other people, so that takes the pressure off, a good plan. I will watch out for you being anxious around it.

    I know my anxiety could take me into perfectionism and planning myself into a state (weirdly, I can thank my horrific childhood for that not happening as I seem to have a self-protect device which cuts me off from addictions and other big things, because I had to stay OK to escape, I think). I take this challenge quite lightly myself. I don’t always complete it, but whatever happens, books come off my physical TBR shelf, which is my personal aim. 10, 17 or 20, it’s still books cleared. No need to make a list of pages to read, although I do vaguely divided it into 7, 7 and 6 books to read in each month.

    Enjoy and hope you can keep on an even keel about it – I’m sure you can!

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  2. I feel kind of bad that my challenge caused you so much anxiety but I will make sure this year that you have fun with it. There are no consequences if you don’t complete it, and sometimes I think I just love doing it to make that initial pile of books! Anything after that is a bonus 🙂

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    • Aw, Cathy, there is no blame. Anything that makes me compare myself, even if I am comparing me with a winning version of me, used to be very upsetting. On July 31, I shall have my last session of cognitive behavioral therapy! I do feel like a very different person, and so trying the 20 books of summer is a helpful way for me to use my tools.

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  3. I love that you’ve got your school books on the list, very smart. I agree with Cathy, just making the list/pile is a lot of the fun, ha ha! My main goal is to get books read off my shelves. (Although so far it’s all been Library books, of course!) 😂 good luck!

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    • I’ve been trying to make my one book club read physical books I own to reduce the shelf space a bit, and the school books are all narrative-driven nonfiction. I’m not reviewing any of the books written by male authors, though I think I’ll add a note in my Sunday Lowdown post about those I’ve finished. I think in the past one hard part is keeping up with reviews.

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  4. And you know that if you don’t feel like reading the books you’ve listed you just swap them out, right?
    I participate because it gives me a mid-year opportunity to list some books that I want to prioritise. I’ve already strayed from my list and we’re only on day 13! But that’s okay!

    Hope it works for you this year 🙂

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    • Ha, I love that, Kate. Yes, I’ve already been feeling very swappy about the list, but there are only three books on there not associated with a book club or school, so there is tiny wiggle room.

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    • Ooooh, does that mean you are not only a Vonnegut fan, but also Tom Robbins? I really enjoyed Even Cowgirls Get the Blues (though a friend of mine read it just recently and pointed out that it had a grody sexual moment with a child). Robbins’s memoir is a hoot, too.

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  6. Lots of very good and intriguing books on your list! This challenge is one of the few I join because it’s adjustable in any way you want (you can drop from 20 to 15 as needed and make switches all along!). Hope it works for you!

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    • Oh, I totally understand what a nice, low-key challenge it is, but my anxiety brain took it as seriously as a heart attack in the past. I’m in a better place now, so I’m hoping for a fun summer that connects me to new bloggers through the challenge.

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  7. Yay! May your reading be anxiety-free! I read Slaughterhouse Five years ago, and yeah, not what I expected either, but I liked it! Keep meaning to read more Vonnegut but it hasn’t happened yet. Some interesting books on your philosophy class list. These were the sorts of books I had hoped for when I took philosophy as an undergrad in college but it turned out to be all about logic instead and I hated it. So I guess I envy you your philosophy class! 😀

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    • I’m a little nervous about the philosophy class because I’m at an evangelical college, so all classes are taught through a Christian perspective. To be fair, the books look fairly engaging so far, and I know a lot of philosophy is old dudes standing around wondering if there is a God or not, so there we go.

      If you do another Vonnegut, I recommend Breakfast of Champions.

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  9. Good luck with not becoming too anxious about the challenge this year – I’m skipping any challenges this year because they don’t always put me in a good mindset, so I know where you’re coming from!

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  10. I also get anxiety from book challenges. I used to try to do the PopSugar one…but instead of me having fun, I put all this pressure on myself and also made a daily schedule to hit my goal. I was comparing my progress to everyone else and felt awful. In the end, I bailed on the challenge and just read what I wanted and when I wanted. It was much better, and I actually found I read more without the pressure!

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    • I forgot about the PopSugar challenge! I haven’t heard of anyone doing that one in ages, so now I have to Google it to see what’s up this year. . . . .

      Okay, that list is wild. One of the boxes is to read an author who has the same initials as you. I think the whole point is just to find books that are outside of your norm, right? That would take a lot of work to organize!

      Question: how did you compare yourself to others? Do people share their lists somewhere that you can see?

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  11. Kurt Vonnegut is one of the greats, blending social commentary, SF and postmodernism. CS Lewis – well you’re at a Christian college. We all read and discussed him in church youth group, but I don’t think he has anything to say, except Dog is the explanation for everything.

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    • I know some people hate it, but I really love that Vonnegut uses metafiction. Every time he crops up, I get that same excitement that I do when I’m watching a movie and a character finally references the title of the film.

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  12. I hope you enjoy the challenge! A big part of the reason that I love it is that Cathy is such a relaxed host and so flexible about the rules, so I hope that helps you not to feel so anxious about it this time. As for your books – well, I enjoyed reading Slaughterhouse-Five with you, though I am really struggling to write my review. And I love CS Lewis, but I don’t think The Problem of Pain is one of his best. I know you won’t review that here, but I would still be interested to hear some of your thoughts when you’re done!

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    • I read your review of Slaughterhouse-Five, and it was lovely! I liked that you included Nick, Biscuit, and me in the post to show that the book blogging community also does stuff beyond our blogs. And, your content was clear; it would make me want to pick up the book if I hadn’t just finished it.

      As for books that I’m not reviewing on my blog, I think I’m going to give a sentence or two of my thoughts on my Sunday Lowdowns since so many of these books are by men.

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  13. I hope you enjoy the challenge this year. This looks like a doable list, particularly since you’ve wisely included so much of what you’ll be reading anyway.

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  14. Quite the assortment here!!! I don’t bother with the challenges b/c my radio segments tend to direct my reading, and I don’t need another thing on my plate right now LOL Surprisingly though, it’s not the reading the books that gives me the anxiety, it’s the whole blogging about it afterwards, re-posting the header, tagging other people, making sure I’m following the rules by acknowledging the right person, etc. So, maybe I have the same problem that you did a few years ago haha

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    • Basically, folks tag Cathy in their initial post so she gets a ping and adds you to the master list. Other than that, she is sooooo laid back. However, I did go to her master list and try to find a few new bloggers to follow. People come from all over, not just WordPress. They’re from Instagram, Twitter, some place called Mastadon?? Maybe it’s a new Goodreads…

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      • Oh I think Mastadon is sort of a replacement for twitter? I deleted my instagram account and I barely go on twitter and fb anymore. Trying to cleanse my social media use haha

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        • Good for you! Seriously, it’s a great feeling. I only have Facebook so I can RSVP to social events in the Deaf community. I have no friends. I’m set on “can only be sent friend requests by friends of friends.” If you have no friends, well…

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  15. Oh my, Melanie. How did you get yourself into such a twist, but I’m glad you shared all this because it helps me understand different mindsets. I am so so glad that you understand now that these challenges are never (well the ones I know about anyhow) competitions. We bloggers are a community of readers who want to support each other, and share with each other, not compete with each other.

    I have never done the challenge because I don’t want to list books in advance that I might read – and if I don’t do that, then I’m just reading books as usual – but every year I think I might have a go. Next year might be it, though probably not. I do enjoy seeing other people’s lists though.

    Anyhow, enjoy the challenge.

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    • Oof, that phrasing, “get yourself into such a twist” hurt, but in a good way. What other people see as a perfectly normal and fun shared activity became something bigger and more threatening to me until the point that I was, you’re right, in a twist of my own making. Sometime I see evidence of people still approaching me like they would a year ago, before I went to therapy, and it’s sad that they’ve trained themselves how to be around me. Or, I think about things I’ve missed out on due to anxiety, which even includes a teaching career. Why didn’t I just teach 1-2 classes and engage in more hobbies? It couldn’t have just been a money thing because now that I’m in school, we’re making LESS money, and even spending more. It’s all anxiety.

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      • Oh, I didn’t mean to hurt so I’m glad it was in a good way. I would be devastated if in any way I added to your anxiety. How interesting that you sense people responding to you as they would have a great ago. In a sense that’s a nice thing because it means they were sensitive to your feelings?

        Don’t regret the past. Take it as lessons and a journey is how I try to look at it. How many of us don’t have regrets about the past … whether due to anxiety, naïveté, inexperience, or over-confidence, self-centredness or hubris, most of us have things we wished we’d done differently or better.

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        • People with anxiety often relate to, and then hang out with, other people who have anxiety, so seeing someone’s perspective when they don’t have anxiety is a reality slap — that’s basically what I meant. It’s good to know that I don’t have to live with anxiety!

          Yes, folks have definitely trained themselves to be sensitive to me, which is lovely of them.

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  16. Well I like your list! “Man Fuck This House” is an amazing title. And glad you’re going in with a healthy attitude! I have never come close to finishing 20 books BUT I was really pleased to see I’d read 19 out of 20 from my first year doing the challenge…. 3 years later, yes, but it’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon, right? 🙂

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    • Right now I’m trying to do a jaunty walk through my list. That’s the attitude I am trying to cultivate. I’m also trying to separate my worth from winning/achieving/having enough money (okay, only one of those applies to the 20 Books challenge, but still). I really liked Man, Fuck This House and dropped a few lines about it in my last post.

      I’ll be sure to follow along with your challenge this summer. You have some excellent titles listed!

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