I wonder, does everyone here remember Nook books? If I recall correctly, Nook books came out before the Amazon Kindle, and everyone had to have one. First, they were in paper white, and then they were color, and then I think they went to the Nook Glow. Anyway, they used to be a thing. Also, you can download the Nook app and buy books from Barnes and Noble without owning a Nook. That’s the situation I’m in.

However, Barnes and Noble has been saying for years they’re losing money, and that the Nook can’t compete with the Kindle, so I’m on a mission to hurry up and read any e-book I bought for the Nook before we get to the possibility that they revoke my license. What does that mean? When you buy an e-book, you’re not buying a physical object; you’re buying a license to read whatever you purchased. If an e-book company goes under, or any number of little legal things happen, your licenses can be revoked.

Years ago, when I realized I was ashamed of a lot of the books I’d read as a young adult because they weren’t very “smart,” I changed my attitude and repurchased all my beloved “trash” books. In the case of Katie MacAlister’s “Dark Ones” books, well . . . I went and bought the whole series. Sound familiar? That’s because I wrote about all of this back in May of 2017. I guess that means I made myself feel better by purchasing books and then not actually reading many of them. LOL.

Today, I’m going to give you two brief reviews of the “Dark Ones” books #6 and #7 by Katie MacAlister. They go together like one novel, meaning the plot picks up in #7 where it left off in #6, and we have the same characters. You don’t need to have read any of the previous novels. In fact, most of them are pretty similar with a few tweaks to give them new life. You may miss some moments that make a devoted reader of the series know what’s up before you do, but that’s fine.

In Zen and the Art of Vampires, we meet Pia, who has signed up for a single’s cruise, where she hopes to meet a man as she travels Europe. We catch up with her in Iceland. She’s befriended one cruise goer named Magda and irritated another named Denise. Just to be mean, while they’ve stopped in Dalkafjordhur (a made-up city in Iceland), Denise dares Pia to go over and speak to two men who are so hot they don’t seem real. We can jump ahead here and say that both men, Kristoff and Alec, are vampires, and Pia ends up having sexual relations with both. But which vampire is she “supposed” to be with according to the rules of the Dark Ones series? There are seven steps a mortal woman and male vampire must take in order to complete the process after which she becomes his Beloved and returns his soul to him. No pressure.

Meanwhile, some cultish group with the power to return lost ghosts to a place like heaven turns Pia into their guide — the one who must ferry the ghosts — which is not according to her plan. Somewhere in this cult’s history, they had a beef with vampires, so now they’re full-time ghost helpers and joined the gig economy by cleansing (that is, killing) vampires. Their opinion? “. . . there is nothing romantic about Dark Ones. They are heartless, soulless fiends who want only their own domination over the mortal world. And they are nearly impossible to kill.” How can Pia help the lovely ghosts but not use her powers for bad and kill vampires? Vampires like Kristoff and Alec? Will they guys ever trust her again?

Book #7 is Crouching Vampire, Hidden Fang. Let me just put this out there — the titles reflect nothing in the book and are more like movie titles from the adult film industry: take a title people already know and change it enough so it reflects the new movie or novel. We’ve learned which vampire Pia chose to bond with, and we’re assured that she’s going to find a way to get rid of these crazy cult powers so the vampires won’t feel threatened anymore. However, the vampire she bonded with, to use a Roddy Doyle phrase, “fucked off” without her. She returns home to Seattle. Very weird and out of character with the Dark Ones novels. Meanwhile, he’s over in Europe, where he has been accused by a council of vampires of embezzlement and possibly murdering another vampire that is missing. Are Pia and her man ever going to work things out with some basic communication? We’ll find out.

My thoughts: Pia is a woman who gets very little description other than she’s 40 and not thin. MacAlister uses a host of euphemisms that make it hard to figure out of she’s a Layne Bryant little fat or a “super fat.” I’m guessing she’s one of those women who despair over something like 10-20 pounds. Anyway, I don’t know her race or hair color or anything, which is a trick of the romance genre: create a truly blank woman so female readers can step in her shoes and get all kissy-kissy with really, really, ridiculously good-looking men who will love her forever and ever. No, literally, a Beloved becomes immortal. Anyway. Because I don’t need or want to insert myself into romance novels, I felt like I didn’t know much about Pia. There’s a brief mention that she works in a no-kill shelter answering the phone, but who is this lady, really?

In her past novels, MacAlister has written some pretty weak-sauce sex scenes, which is disappointing for a series of books that contain probably six sex scenes each. It’s sort of like watching a 1980’s slasher in which teens have about 10 seconds of missionary style relations and then proclaim, “That was amazing.” But I give MacAlister props. She’s gotten bolder with her writing, and so readers are treated to more specific physical acts, clearer locations, and what’s happening throughout. It’s much more immersive, and I appreciate that MacAlister stepped up her game!

On the other hand, she still has this old-fashioned notion that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. The vampires constantly say things like, “I thought women liked…,” and Pia and other female characters have their own, “Ugh, all men care about is…” moments. Well, that’s a great way to write a series of books in which all your male and female characters are interchangeable, because they’re all [insert whatever presupposition someone has].

One of the “quirks” that MacAlister introduced for her female characters is from them to choose the most nauseating, infantilizing pet names for their vampire lovers, which the women keep using despite being told repeatedly to stop. “Cabbage,” “pookums,” “boopsie,” “sugar pants,” “boo,” and “love potato” are just a few examples, and I feel mad again just typing those. Every female protagonist throughout the series thus far refers the vampires as “vamps,” and I would like to be told who, in real life, uses the term “vamp.” It’s not funny, and I hate to say that MacAlister might be out of touch with an audience that doesn’t want to see the sexy vampires reduced to baby names. It kinda takes us out of the mood, okay, Katie? And, it just tugs on the part of my conscious that acknowledges, “This lady is ignoring consent and boundaries.”

I’m not sure why MacAlister relies on humiliation as a sign of a good relationship. She is completely capable of writing a running gag that is hilarious the more it develops, such as any new person who meets the vampires describing what a big fan they are of the TV show Angel. One example I particularly enjoyed was when Magda, the friend from the cruise, hooked up with Ray, who enjoys taking pictures on vacation. They get roped into the caper, and at one point, Magda yells, “Ray, do something! . . . Posses don’t just stand around watching!” And then Ray, not knowing what to do because he’s a mediocre man, takes out his camera and snaps a picture. LOL.

Anyway, that’s two more books I can mark off my Nook app. I’m sure I haven’t convinced anyone to jump into this series, but I hope you had fun reading my post!