After I created my list for the 20 Books of Summer challenge, I thought more about how I wanted to approach it. Shortly after posting my list, I found an excellent local book club. Not only do they meet monthly, but they do book bingo, too. I jumped in right away, which changed the course of my reading a bit. Therefore, I decided the true fun of 20 Books of Summer is to make the list, so at the end of summer, I’ll compare and see what I read that was on the list versus other books. So far, I’ve read/listened to seven books, four of which were on the list: All About Love by bell hooks, Razorblade Tears by S.A. Cosby, The Night Watchman by Louise Erdrich (review forthcoming), and The Watchers by A.M. Shine (I saw the movie, too).
One book not on my 20 Books of Summer list is Already Enough: A Path to Self-Acceptance by Lisa Olivera. I’m listening to the audiobook, and at first I was put off by how young the author sounds. However, Olivera is 37 — I know this because the audiobook starts with a story of Olivera being found in the woods by some birders in 1987 when she was an infant. Her birth mother had left her there, so she was put up for adoption, causing a huge wound that shaped her entire trajectory. Later, Olivera became a therapist, and now we have Already Enough. I’ll review the book later, but something that stuck with me was a study the author shared that concluded we experience emotions for about 90 seconds. If you’re thinking, that’s not true, I feel them much longer, this is where Olivera notes that we think we live with an emotion for much longer because we tell stories about the emotion and ourselves.
For example, I tried a new machine at the gym this past week, and it was truly uncomfortable. I was embarrassed, so I started thinking terrible things about myself. Then, I recalled what Olivera said: the emotion lasted 90 seconds, the rest of it was a story I told myself. And she was right. Instead, I changed the story, telling myself about how the machine wasn’t built for someone my height and shape and moved on to another one. I didn’t let it ruin the whole workout, nor did I decide to leave. I thought, okay, that was too easy.
For the rest of the week, I tested the 90 second/telling a story thing, and it worked over and over again. In fact, I could not believe how many terrible stories I’ve been telling myself about all aspects of my life: about relationships, the quality of the work I produce, my abilities, the need to hurry because I’m running out of time, the doubts, etc. Some of them are still there, so those are stories I need to work through and examine more deeply, but I have a tool now — awareness.
I hope you are enjoying your day. Currently, it’s a bit drizzly after a week of heat and poor air quality advisories. I’m looking forward to reading this afternoon and watching the new Inside Out 2 movie.
Grab the Lapels 
I’ve been guilty of letting emotion derail my …whole day. Clearly, I need to work on remembering the 90 second theory.
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Yes, so I think what this means is you felt an emotion and then began telling yourself stories about it, stories of you not being good enough or not worthy. Give it a try, Joanne, and see if it works!
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I love Lisa Olivera. I found her on Instagram years ago and she’s a great person to follow. Her Substack is wonderful. Fun fact: she and I share a birthday! (Not the year.) I love that framework for emotions. I’m gonna try that for myself this week when I encounter difficulties. I wholeheartedly believe that we get stuck in stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.
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The odd thing is I can see when other people are inventing awful stories about themselves if they say negative things aloud. It’s just an issue of recognizing that it is a story and stopping it for myself. I’m still doing it, and it’s still working.
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90 seconds? Really? Huh.
I went to see a community theater production of The Music Man at a theater in an old elementary school. I couldn’t fit in the seats, which the friend who invited me had expected, so she’d brought a folding camp chair and got permission to set it up at the back where wheelchairs can park and then she sat beside me, making my slight embarrassment last much less time than it would have otherwise.
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Nice friend Jeanne… I hope the musical was fun. 76 Trombones and all that!
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It was fun; they did a good job with it and their Harold Hill managed my favorite line very well: “I always think there’s a band, kid.”
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Love it ….
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Jeanne, that is an amazing friend. I absolutely love this person for her thoughtfulness. In this case, the emotion may be embarrassment, but the story you tell could be “I have an amazing friend. These seats are not designed for everyone. I’m having fun watching this musical. I’m so glad I’m comfortable.”
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That 90-second theory is fascinating but I need to think about it a bit more. I mean, happy emotions – I WANT those to last longer! Then the others… I understand the story bit but I’m not convinced it’s always the case. Sad things happen and those emotions last. Can story change them? BUT I can see there are a lot of emotions that I could manage better if I re-thought the stories (the way I think about and process them.)
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I thought for a bit about your comment and tried to apply it to a funeral. I think what happened at the most emotional funeral I’ve been to is that I was sad, but I told myself stories about how when this person died, I did not like them. However, I was sad for the missed opportunities with them. What if they had been A, B, and C instead of X, Y, and Z. I remembered all the loving things this person did, failing to be honest with myself and recall that those loving actions were so, so far and few between. Whenever I realize this person is not here anymore, I am sad and start spinning stories about how it would be different if they were still here, etc.
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Hmmm … I understand what you are saying but I’m not sure I could really apply the 90-second rule to losing my mum. But, if I do lose someone really dear to me again (though hopefully it will be me who goes next before anyone else so precious) I will try to apply it.
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I wonder if the death of your mother made emotions occur continuously. I’m sure we experience so many emotions every day. Maybe you hear a song or see something that reminds you of her, and that makes an emotion. I can see what you are saying, though.
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I never heard that theory, but I will definitely try to keep it in mind from now on. Perhaps I will pick up Olivera’s book!
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It’s the kind of book for which you can read and absorb, but she also asks a lot of questions at the end of each chapter so that you can write and reflect, too. The one problem with the audiobook is that I cannot stop and deeply reflect, but I give it a try even as I am driving.
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What a coincidence! I’m reading a book by Tibetan Buddhist nun Pema Chodron and she talks about emotions lasting only a minute and a half too! She too says anything more than that comes from our stories and misperceptions and that we need to be mindful so we can cut that off and step back, breathe and see what’s really going on. And you are right, knowing this really does make a difference if you can keep aware of it. I’ve found it helpful when I start getting annoyed by someone and also just last night when I had a really hard bike workout that wasn’t going as well as I thought it should. Really cool you’ve found it so helpful too!
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I’m going to look up the book you’re reading, as I would like to know more about the 90 second thing. I know Olivera’s book is really focused on the stories we tell ourselves, and that works for me. What is the name of the Chodron book, please?
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OMG this 90 second thing is so cool, I’m going to test it out and see how it helps. I have also been at the gym, embarrassed myself on a machine and ruminated over it for too long afterwards. Those machines aren’t built for every body, so true!
I took our whole family to watch Inside Out 2 and we loved it. I cackle laughed at so many parts, it’s so good. I hope you enjoyed it too!
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The part when Anxiety About The Future goes into an anxiety spiral was so triggering, but not in a bad way. More like seeing how I am through a different lens and experience and just how horrifying it is. Sometimes I downplay anxiety because I think everyone has it, but they do not.
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I definitely have the urge to argue that I do feel emotions longer than 90 seconds but now I have to stop and consider how much of that is the post-story/processing of emotion. I do believe that how we tell ourselves our own stories matters hugely. I’d never put it in quite that way but I can think of times where figuring out how to talk about something traumatic actually helped it feel less traumatic. You can tell yourself a better story about it.
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I was just writing to Sue that we feel a lot of emotions, so it could be that you go from frustrated to sad to depressed, and each one can have its own story. If I’m frustrated and tell myself a story about how I am no good, I move to sad a lot faster. Or, if I feel frustrated and tell myself a more neutral story, one that does not end with me being morally good or bad, then I might still be sad, but not the same depth or kind of sadness.
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